listening to norah jones,
feeling mellow.

bad times has come to her.
i wonder if i were in her shoes i think it would kill me.
to have like 3 of his best friends against me.
But then again, maybe it would be better.
i'd rather it stop now than stop 10 years later,
by then maybe i would like stab myself like those japanese men do.
They say it's honour, i say it's cowardice.
Not wanting to put up with the punishment,
avoiding it by dying instead.

guess i'll find out in september.
maybe it might break my heart,
but i have faith.
and i think i might be able to take another blow,
when M gave me one earlier this year.
Life. you get some, you lose some.
of course i would prefer not to lose any.
but sometimes i feel like the harder i hold onto something,
the more likely it will slip away from my grasp.
so i dare not assume anything.

but God if you are willing, take this cup from me.
Don't crush all that i have left.
okay maybe not all that i have left.

I now understand what ying jiun says when
you can love every single person whole heartedly.
i used to think that i could only take on a few in my heart.
like A: 10%
B: 10%
C:15%
and so on.

but the human heart is actually capable of loving
A:100%
B:100%
C:100%
and so on.
so i think it would hurt very very much if one is missing.

sigh my every post is like my heart talking.
which is good.
I don't wanna keep posting about this or that place i went
unless i'm like super psyched up about that day.
i bet you also don't care where i've been or what i've been doing.
If it were me,
i'd like to read about how Rebekah is feeling and coping with life.
not how she can go about looking as if nothing in life affects her.
that's nonsense.

because you can't always be so stoned.
the emotions have to come out some place or another.
hide it, stop it, and your head will blow up, to the point where i can
pop it with a needle and everything will spill out.
haha what a funny metaphor.